In my journey through depression treatment, I have encountered many things that frightened me. One of the most frightening has been getting in touch with who I really am, and putting aside the person I presented to the world.
For as long as I can remember I have craved acceptance, approval, and admiration. The catch was that I really believed I had nothing to offer. I was also very afraid of being ridiculed – either in my presence or behind my back. The only way I could think of to guard myself against that kind of harm was to create a fictional character. I thought this pretend version of me was everything I was not. Confident, nice, attractive, smart, happy, and engaging. I was wrong. The false version of me was really plastic and shallow. She was not a real person, therefore, she was incapable of feeling any real emotion.
My motto was “Fake it till you make it“. That attitude was tiring. I had to keep myself wound so tight – hoping none of the real me leaked through. In my mind, one of the worst things that could happen to me was if I relaxed for one moment, and let any part of the real me surface.That fake person guarded my heart – making it easy for me to keep the world (and myself) from being able to see the real me. No one really knew me, including myself.
Eventually, I got too weary – soul weary – to keep presenting the fake me. I was so depressed that the person I could have been was still hidden away – underneath sadness and pain.
We are what we believe we are. ~ C.S. Lewis
The first person I showed the real me to was my counselor. She was safe. Unlike other people, she is trained to not be judgmental. I did not have any worries about what her response to the real me would be. If I went in and said “I feel like crap today.”, her response was usually “Ok, do you want to tell me why?” Other people – who do not have her training – usually responded with advice like “If you would just get out more you would feel better.”
Eventually, the real me – that I was showing the counselor – started showing up in other places. Not often, but often enough for me to realize that life was so much easier as the real me. I became determined to do away with the pretender. There were three key things I did that aided me in that process.
1. I began sharing things about myself with other people. Usually, it was something that I may have not done exactly the right way, however, at the same time it was humorous. I learned that people enjoy hearing some of the silly things I do, and that I do not take myself so seriously that I can’t laugh at myself.
2. I started listening to other people – really hearing what was on their hearts, and minds. I listened without offering advice – unless asked – and let them know that I cared about them.
3. I learned how to relax. Not only by myself, but with other people as well. I found it was impossible to build walls up between myself, and other people when I am truly relaxed.
Who are you? Are you a different person than you allow other people to see? If so, try being yourself for a change.
6 Comments on Be Yourself
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I wanted to applaud your story! This was heart-warming. 🙂
New follower here from i love my online friends monday hop:)) Your post is very heart warming:))
Happy Blogging to ya
Thank you very much!
love this look…. feels good to me..hugs melissa keep on inspiring all of us..and kiss your new grandbaby for me..shes so cute…yummy
Good Afternoon,
Great article about yourself! I admire your desire to change and being more truthful about yourself and your life. I never tried to be someone else, I guess I always have been straightforward like it or not. There was a time when I was a child and was affected by the negative thoughts of people around me. The obstacles of my life made me so strong and unbreakable, now I laugh at those weak moments. Hope I will see you in my blog soon: http://pfinusa.blogspot.com. Have a great evening, Greetings from Terrans
Blog hopping today and am your newest follower. I hope that 1 of my blogs interests you too.
http://tawnasplan.blogspot.com
http://btrbb.blogspot.com
http://tawnassecret.blogspot.com
I also do a weekend blog hop, you can link up on tawnasplan.blogspot.com open every Friday-Sunday!
Thanks
Tawna