WELL IT IS A NEW WEEK AND I DON’T KNOW IF I AM READY FOR IT OR NOT. I AM TIRED OF THE WHOLE NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON FROM DAY TO DAY WITH JOSH. I FEEL SO UP IN THE AIR WITH HIM ALL THE TIME. I AM CHANGING AND PEOPLE SEE THAT BUT I DON’T KNOW THAT HE DOES. I DON’T KNOW THAT HE EVER WOULD NOTICE I AM CHANGING. I FEEL LIKE WHY DO IT, BUT THEN I HAVE TO REMEMBER IT IS FOR ME AND NOT HIM. SO WHETHER OR NOT HE SEES IT ISN’T IMPORTANT. ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I AM CHANGING. I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT BUT I SURE WILL BE BETTER AT IT. MAYBE HE WILL SEE IT MAYBE HE WON’T. I KNOW AT SOME POINT HE WILL SEE IT BUT WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT WILL BE. MY MS APPOINTMENT IS COMING UP QUICK AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET ON STABILIZER PILLS THEN. I THINK THE PILLS WILL HELP ME NOT FREAK OUT AS MUCH, AND MAY EVEN HELP WITH THE ANXIETY THAT I HAVE ALL THE TIME. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE THAT THE PILL OR PILLS WILL WORK. I KNOW THAT I CAN GET BETTER IF I PUT MY MIND TO IT. I WILL GET BETTER FOR ME AND IF JOSH WANTS TO STICK AROUND OK AND IF NOT THEN I WILL MOVE ON. DON’T GET ME WRONG I DON’T WANT TO MOVE ON BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TOO.
I KNOW JOSH HATES TO SEE ME SUFFER WITH THE MS SO I HAVE STARTED TO WONDER IF I JUST SHOULDN’T LET HIM GO SO THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME. MAYBE I JUST SHOULDN’T TELL HIM CAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THAT HE CAN DO ABOUT IT. I WONDER IF I SHOULD JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF SO THAT PEOPLE DON’T KNOW HOW I AM DOING. I HAVE FOUND MYSELF WANTING SO BAD TO FALL BACK INTO BAD HABITS THAT I THOUGHT I WAS OVER. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO REALLY KNOW ME I KNOW YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T I WON’T SAY HERE WHAT THEY ARE IF YOU CONFUSED SEND ME A MESSAGE AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW. ANYWAY I FOUND MYSELF THIS WEEKEND LOOKING AND LOOKING FOR THINGS. I THOUGHT I HAD BEATEN THIS PROBLEM YEARS AGO AND I GUESS UNDER THE AMOUNT OF STRESS I AM UNDER BAD OLD HABITS COME BACK. DON’T GET ME WRONG I AM FIGHTING IT BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I WILL GIVE IN OR IF I CAN BEAT IT AGAIN. I AM TRYING TO BEAT IT AGAIN SO WE WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. ALL I CAN SAY IS OLD HABITS DIE HARD.
I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE AROUND ME THAT CARE AND THAT I KNOW WILL BE THERE THROUGH ANYTHING. I MAY SEEM TO PUSH YOU AWAY BUT I AM NOT. YOU ARE JUST REACHING A PLACE THAT NOT MANY PEOPLE HAVE EVER GOTTEN TO. I AM LETTING IN FARTHER THAN THE PEOPLE THAT RAISED ME ARE. I HOPE YOU KNOW I AM TRYING AND ONE DAY I WON’T ACT LIKE I ACT NOW. I WILL GET BETTER AND NOT BE SO AFRAID IF LETTING YOU IN.
(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!)
