MY GRANDMA BOUGHT ME ROSES LIKE SHE HAS SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN. THESE ARE WHAT SHE GOT ME! SHE ALSO GAVE A CARD AND MY JACKET THAT SHE SHRUNK SO SHE HAD TO GET ME A NEW ONE. ANYWAY SO THE DAY STARTED REALLY GOOD AND I WAS HOPEFUL IT WOULD STAY THAT WAY. WE TOOK THE GIRLS TO PETCO TO GET THEM BATHED AND GROOMED. THEN I HAD TO GO TO THE CHIROPRACTOR AND GET ADJUSTED BECAUSE MY BACK HAD BEEN KILLING ME. WELL WHEN WE PULLED IN TO HIS PARKING LOT MY PHONE RANG. I DIDN’T KNOW THE NUMBER AND USUALLY I DON’T ANSWER IF I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER BUT I THOUGHT IT COULD HAVE BEEN ABOUT THE GIRLS OR THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH. SO I ANSWERED IT AND LETS JUST SAY I SHOULD HAVE IGNORED IT! IT WAS A LADY NAMED HEATHER AND THE FIRST THING SHE SAID TO ME WAS HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I WAS LIKE WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS. SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE IS MY FATHERS WIFE. I WAS LIKE OK AND WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME. SHE WANTS TO SURPRISE MY DAD WITH ME I GUESS. I AM NOT REALLY SURE ALL I KNOW IS THAT I AM NOT A MONKEY AND I DON ‘T KNOW IF I CAN GO AND BE NICE TO HIM. SO I TOLD HER I WILL SHOW UP BUT I WON’T GUARANTEE THAT I WILL STAY. SHE SAID OK I WILL STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOU. I WAS LIKE YA SURE. I WILL MAKE SURE I DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER NOW.
THE NEXT THING THAT WENT CRAZY WAS THE INFUSION. I SWEAR NOTHING IN MY LIFE GOES SMOOTHLY THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT GOES WRONG. THE INFUSION OF THE MEDICATION WASN’T BAD AT ALL. IT WAS ABOUT THIRTY MINUTES AFTER THAT IT GOT REALLY INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST. THEY MAKE YOU STAY AND HOUR AFTER THE INFUSION OF THE MEDICATION TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T HAVE A REACTION. SO THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE I GET TO LEAVE I STARTED TO BURN UP INSIDE. IT LITERALLY FELT LIKE MY MUSCLES WERE ON FIRE. SO THEN THEY PROCEED TO START ANOTHER IV AND GIVE ME BENADRYL AND LOTS OF FLUIDS FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS. I FINALLY GOT TO LEAVE AT LIKE 5:30 PM BUT ONLY BECAUSE I LIED AND SAID IT WENT AWAY. IF I HADN’T LIED I AM SURE I WOULD HAVE SPENT ALL OF THANKSGIVING THERE TOO. HERE IS A PICTURE OF MY BATTLE WOUND AS I CALL THEM FROM ONE OF THE MANY IV’S I HAD THAT DAY.

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in. ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

FAMILY:

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She >starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the >soup.’

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me .. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

DRIVING:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.’ After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a r0w!? You could have killed us both!’Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving ?’