Adoption Thoughts – Page 4 – The World As I See It

My First Pregnancy

October 29, 2013

This is another prompt for one of the writers workshop and I wanted to write about it because my first pregnancy was with my daughter who I placed for adoption when I was 20. I wanted to write this more for me than anyone else and maybe one day my daughter will read this and she will have some idea of what it was like for me being pregnant with her.

When I found out I was pregnant I was about 6 weeks pregnant and so sick. I had morning sickness so bad that I had to take an anti nausea pill almost every for most of the pregnancy. I wasn’t one of the lucky ones where the morning sickness goes away after the first trimester.

My pregnancy was also harder I believe because I knew through the whole thing what the end was going to be. I never thought I could keep her so I always knew that I would end up leaving the hospital empty handed. I tried my best not to bond with her but anyone who has been pregnant before knows that you bond with your child because you are with them 24/7 for nine months.

Towards the end of my pregnancy my back was out and I just miserable. I did end up going to the chiropractor because I wasn’t able to sit down or stand up without pain. It took a few times but he did make my back better and I saw him through the end of my pregnancy and in fact I still see him from time to time.

My pregnancy wasn’t the best out there but it was terrible either. One of the best things about the whole experience is the fact the my Multiple Sclerosis went into remission while I was pregnant so I didn’t have to worry about anything crazy going on with that but it got bad after I delivered and the hormones all dropped off. I have been thinking about being a surrogate because I truly didn’t mind being pregnant and I would love to help people have their families. I do know that I don’t think I will have anymore of my own children but like I said I would love to help out other people.

How was your first pregnancy?

If you want to be apart of the writers workshop you can click here and find out all about it!

8 Years Ago Today. . .

July 9, 2013

As I have sat here the past few weeks leading up to this week I decided instead of writing a letter to my daughter or just another post on how I am feeling about everything since it has been 8 years. This year I am going to write about the day I signed the papers and left the hospital. I haven’t written this post yet because out of the whole experience this was and still is the hardest part of the situation.

I find this day as the hardest because it was the day that I had to admit that I couldn’t do it and that she was going to better with the family I chose for her than she would be with me. I am pretty sure that unless you know who I am personally you don’t know that I hate to admit that I can’t do something. So for me the hardest part was signing the papers and handing her off to her family.

While I was pregnant I didn’t think I wanted to even see her and I thought there was no way that I could do what they call a “direct placement”. All that means is that I hand her off her to her family and then I leave instead of what some people do where they just leave the baby in the bassinet and walk away.

I am not going to go into much detail about the days that let up to the 9th but I am sure in time I will talk about those as well. I remember like it was yesterday my social working coming into my hospital room on the 9th bright and early and asking me if I was ready to sign the papers. I told her yes and she went out and grabbed two nurses because there had to be two witnesses and I started signing the papers. I remember getting to the final papers where I relinquish my rights and thinking to hurry and sign it because if I didn’t I didn’t know if I would be able to.

After I signed the paper the brought in my daughter and I held her for about an hour before the family came into my room to see her and talk to us. I remember we were all talking and then the mood changed for me. I am not sure why it changed but I realized that my time was coming to an end and I just started crying. My worker then knew it was time for the placement to happen so I handed her off her adoptive dad and just cried. At that point my social worker had them leave the room and I left the hospital about 30 mins or so later.

Even as I type this I am tearing up because my heart is still broken and I know there is no way to fix it. That being said I don’t regret the choices I made because I know without a doubt that she was meant to be in their family and not meant for me. The emotions are still raw when it comes to placement day and it is something I never want to go through again. That is all there is to this post because this post was more for me than anyone else.

Day 8- A Moment You Felt Most Satisfied In Your Life #30DayChallenge

February 5, 2013

Today’s topic is a moment that I felt most satisfied in my life. As I thought about this topic for the past few days I really can’t think of anything that truly fits. The one thing that kept coming in my mind was when I placed my daughter for adoption. Now this was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was satisfying in the sense that I know I did the right thing for her. It is hard for me to say that because it was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. That day will forever be the worst day of my life but it also proved that I can do anything that I put my mind too.

I also think that part of the reason that comes to mind is because it has been almost 9 years now and I in a totally different place when it comes to how I look at the adoption and the place I am at with all of it. That is really the only thing I can think of. Let me know if you have any questions!

Changes Over The Last Year

June 28, 2012

Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much. I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.

It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.

Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.

Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.

How has the past year been for you?

Mama’s Losin’ It-Changes over the last year

My Open Adoption Thoughts

June 13, 2012

I haven’t written anything about adoption in awhile so today I am going to talk about open adoption and why a totally open adoption isn’t for me. If you don’t already know open adoption is defined:

Open adoption is an adoption in which the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the parental rights of biological parents are terminated, as they are in “closed adoptions” and the adoptive parents become the legal parents, yet the parties elect to remain in contact. Open adoption has become the norm in most states in the adoption of newborns.

Source: Wikipedia

At this point I would consider the adoption of my daughter to be semi open or even almost closed. I get a card from them on Christmas and if during the year I want to an update I email them and ask for one and I am 100% okay with that. I know that some people won’t understand why I am okay with so I am going to try and explain it as best as I can.

For the first year I got letters and pictures pretty regularly and to be honest every time I got pictures and a letter it brought back all of the emotions. Once the letters and pictures stopped coming as regularly and now have pretty much stopped I have found been able to heal and stop living in the past.

Now that isn’t saying that I don’t think of her because I think of her every day but I feel that I am not stuck in the past. In order for me to heal and get at the place I where I can now talk about it to anyone with out getting depressed I had to put everything that reminded me of her away. I found that when I had her things out that I was dwelling on the pain and not living my life.

I am so glad that my adoption is how it is because it has allowed me to live my life and heal from the pain. Now there are still times that it is hard for me but those times are few and far between anymore.

Adoption-Pure Love

April 30, 2012

I am sure that most of you know by now that I place my daughter for adoption when I was 20. She will be 7 in July and it is so hard to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been pregnant. I never thought I was going to make it through the first year let alone 7 years.

I recently found a blog by Tiffany who recently adopted a little girl. As I was reading through the story of her adoption I found a part in her post that put into words things I have wanted to say for 7 years but could never find the words. Here is the quote:

I deeply resent the people who have said, about birth parents, “I can’t imagine ever giving away my child.”

The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine. The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go. This instinct isn’t really the love itself but rather our own heart’s selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.

But birth parents understand that truly loving someone can mean letting go. It can mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.

It is utter selflessness. It is true courage. It is pure love.

I read this quote to my grandma the other night and it brought tears to her eyes. This says everything that I felt when I placed my daughter but have never found the words to express. There isn’t much I can really say about it because she says everything that is in my heart. I really recommend that you should go and check out her blog and read the whole story of her adopting their newest little girl.

What do you guys think of her quote?