This post went to a totally different place than I thought it would but I am going to leave it how it is because I think it will help someone out there. It also was a great way to get some feeling out that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about. I want to THANK YOU for taking the time to read this post & pass it on to someone it may help.
I wrote a post last week about Mother’s Day and I want to do another post in this series. I am thinking to make this a bi-monthly feature on my blog if that is something you think you would be interesting in reading please let me know in the comments below and I will make sure it happens. For this post I am going to talk about how the healing process has gone for me over the years.
When I think of how healing has gone all I can think about it how the first year was so hard. I didn’t know for day to day how I was going to get through. There were times in the first days and weeks after that I had no idea how I was going to make it through the next hour or even the next minute. There were times where I had to just focus on the next breath because of how much it hurt. Everyday it got a little easier or it may just may that I found more ways to keep my mind busy so that I wasn’t constantly thinking about it.
After the first year things got easier in the fact that I didn’t think about it every minute of everyday but it still hurt. I know the hardest part for me was not having anyone to talk to about it. It has always been a closed subject with my grandparents so even today it isn’t something that is talked about and that makes it hard to heal. I know since I have started blogging about it and even telling some other people about it that is doesn’t hurt as much.
Even though it has gotten so much better I still have days where it is really hard to deal with and I have to focus on the next hour or the next minute to get through the day. I definitely have triggers and things that I know will make things hard so I try and avoid them as much as possible. People don’t understand how hard it can be and the triggers so they think I am being rude when I don’t want to be around their newborn babies.
I also have been having a hard time lately helping take care of my brothers son who is 6 months old. There are times when I feeding him or playing with him I wonder what it would have been like to raise my daughter and take care of her. When I voice this to people they think that I regret placing her but I will never regret that because I know it was the right choice. I just start doing the what if’s and that just leads into a vicious cycle for me. I have had to walk away and take a few minutes to myself to stop the cycle that goes on in my head.
Even though it is so hard for me to take care of him some days it has truly been healing for me. I personally don’t want to have children and if I didn’t have my brothers son in my life I know there are somethings that I would never be able to heal so I will always thank god for that little boy.
Now I know everyone’s healing process is different and I also know that everyone deals with things differently. I guess the reason I wanted to write this post is to let people know that it will be okay and it does get better over time. If you made it to the end I say thank you for taking the time to read this post. I will be back tomorrow with another book review that I know you will all love.
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