All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
“I should be in charge,” said the brain , “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” 


“I should be in charge,” said the blood , “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.” 

  “I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” 

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” 

  “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum ,and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. 
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the  blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
. 
The Moral of the story?  Even though the others do all the work… 
The ass hole is usually in charge 

Here’s a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
1. grab a calculator
2.Key in the first three digits of your phone number (not the area code.)
3. multiply by 80
4. add 1
5. multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. add the last 4 digit of your phone number AGAIN
8. subtract 250 9 divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?

This should boggle your mind .
HOW BIG IS WALMART?
1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St.Patrick’s Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer. And most can’t speak English
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11 This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth’s population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-MartLet Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street. Better yet ….
Let them run the damn Government.
Anything is better than OUR CONGRESS…

1. A man comes into the ER and yells ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.’Big breaths,’. .. … I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.’Which one ?’. .I asked.’The patch ……. ”The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ‘Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked .. . . ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?”It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste’ . . Bob replied.I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr.. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . ..It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ‘Keep off the grass.’Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn…’
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!! ! … . . . … . . . . … . . . …
8 As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from my work and sheepishly said ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . … … ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .’I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..’
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name . . .