ANOTHER YEAR DOWN

WELL I AM SO SUPER GLAD THAT YESTERDAY IS OVER. I AM SO GLAD THAT I HAVE ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR UNTIL I HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT ALL AGAIN. THANK GOD PEOPLE ONLY HAVE BIRTHDAYS ONCE A YEAR! I COULDN’T TAKE IT IF SHE HAD A BIRTHDAY MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR. IT WOULD JUST BE TO MUCH TO HANDLE FOR ME! A LOT OF THINGS THOUGH COULD BE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE AND AT TIMES SOME THINGS ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. IT SEEMS LIKE I AM BACK TO THE OLD ME SINCE I AM NOT ON ANY MEDICATION TO HELP CONTROL MY CRAZY BRAIN. I HOPE WHEN I GO BACK TO THE DOCTOR ON THE 28TH OF THIS MONTH THAT SHE WILL BE ABLE TO PUT ME ON SOMETHING THAT WON’T MAKE ME GAIN WEIGHT LIKE THE OTHER ONES DID. ALL I CAN DO IS AT THIS POINT IS TRY MY BEST TO KEEP THINGS UNDER CONTROL BUT WHEN I DO THAT I AM QUIET AND THAT UPSETS PEOPLE AS WELL. AT TIMES I AM LIKE WHAT IN HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME. I GET YELLED AT NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT SEEMS. I AM ALWAYS MAKING PEOPLE MAD OR HURTING THEM IT SEEMS. OH WELL I GUESS IF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE HOW I AM THEY KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS AT!
I AM CONSIDERING GETTING RID OF ONE OF THE CUBS . IT MAKES ME SAD TO THINK ABOUT IT BUT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME BUYING FOOD FOR THEM AND WHAT NOT. SO I HAVE TO DO THE ADULT THING AND TRY AND FIND A GOOD HOME FOR ONE OF THEM OR MAYBE EVEN BOTH OF THEM IF SOMEONE WANTS TWO CATS. IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR THEM TO GO TOGETHER BUT I KNOW MOST PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO CATS. HELL ONE OF MINE IS ENOUGH WORK LET ALONE BOTH OF THEM. SO I WILL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS AND/OR MONTHS. I HOPE I CAN FIGURE OUT A WAY TO KEEP THEM BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WITH THE ECONOMY AND WHAT NOT. THE MORE DOCTOR BILLS THAT I GET MEANS LESS MONEY THAT I HAVE TO BUY THEM FOOD. I HAVEN’T EVEN GROOMED THEM IN OVER 6 MONTHS WHICH IS NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. THEY USED TO GO EVER TWO MONTHS LIKE CLOCK WORK BUT THAT WAS ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO WHEN MONEY GOT TIGHT.
I KNOW THAT I COULD ASK JOSH FOR HELP BUT I FEEL BAD BECAUSE HE NEVER WANTED ME TO GET THE CATS IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO WHY SHOULD HE HAVE TO HELP WHEN HE NEVER EVEN WANTED THEM. JOSH AND I ARE GETTING ALONG PRETTY WELL BUT I AM ALMOST WAITING FOR THE BALL TO DROP AND FOR HIM TO GO BACK TO HOW HE USED TO BE AND WHAT NOT. I GUESS ALL HE CAN DO IS PROVE TO ME THAT THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME. LIKE I TOLD HIM THIS IS HIS LAST CHANCE IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE THEN I AM DONE AND I WON’T LOOK BACK THIS TIME. I WON’T STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I AM THE ONLY ONE WORKING FOR IT. IF HE WANTS IT TO WORK HE HAS TO PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO AS I AM PUTTING INTO IT.
WORK IS GETTING REALLY SLOW AND THAT IS EXTRA SCARY FOR ME! MY JOB WILL BE THE FIRST TO GO IS THINGS DON’T PICK UP. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF I LOST MY JOB. I WOULD BE SCREWED THAT IS FOR SURE. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE THAT IT DOESN’T HAPPEN AND THAT PAUL WILL KEEP ME AROUND EVEN THOUGH IT IS SO SLOW. BUT I ALSO KNOW IF HE DOES DOWN SIZE THAT MY JOB WILL BE THE FIRST TO GO. I GUESS IF THAT HAPPENS THEN JOSH WILL HAVE TO STEP UP AND HELP ME OUT. I KNOW HE WOULD KNOW IF I ASKED I JUST DON’T LIKE TO ASK FOR HELP. PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME KNOW THAT I HATE ASKING FOR HELP. I WOULD RATHER SIT AROUND BROKE THEN ASK FOR MONEY. THAT IS ONE THING I AM TOO STUBBORN ABOUT AT TIMES. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY THOUGH BUT I HAVE ALSO NEVER BEEN BROKE. I KNOW JOSH FEELS BAD BECAUSE WHEN I MET HIM I HAD A LOT OF SAVINGS AND NOW I DON’T HAVE ANY, BUT I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT HE DIDN’T MAKE ME USE IT. I USED IT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANNA MOVE HOME AGAIN SO I WAS DOING EVERYTHING I COULD TO KEEP FROM HAVING TO MOVE. I THINK JOSH AND I ARE GOING TO LOOK INTO LOW INCOME HOUSING BECAUSE I AM SURE WE QUALIFY FOR IT. I WOULD LOVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE DRAMA THAT IS THERE. I KNOW THIS MAY NOT HAPPEN FOR AWHILE BUT I HOPE IT HAPPENS SOONER THAN LATER.
I WANT MISTI TO KNOW THAT I WISH HER ALL BEST AND I HOPE RON CAN AND WILL CHANGE! I KNOW IT IS HARD RIGHT NOW BUT IF HE DOES CHANGE I KNOW HOW HAPPY SHE WILL BE. I JUST HOPE THAT YOU DON’T STAY WITH HIM BECAUSE HE KEEPS SAYING HE WILL CHANGE. IF HE IS CHANGING SLOW THEN YES I WOULD STAY WITH HIM BUT YOU KNOW THAT HE MAY NEVER CHANGE AND TREAT YOU HOW YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED. LIKE YOU DO WITH ME I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU AND WHATEVER YOU DO! I DO MISS TALKING TO YOU BUT I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY WITH YOUR LIFE AND I AM OK SITTING ON THE BACK BURNER BECAUSE YOU NEED TO TRY AND FIX THINGS WITH RON! SO NO WORRIES JUST KNOW I AM ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED ME NO MATTER THE TIME OR WHERE YOU ARE AT! (I MEAN I STILL MAYBE BE BITCHY IF I HAVE TO DRIVE TO WENDOVER TO COME AND GET YOU BUT I WILL COME AND GET YOU IF YOU NEED ME TOO!) KEEP YOUR HEAD AND KNOW THAT I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT YOU AND WISH YOU THE BEST IN LIFE!!!!
WELL THIS IS ANOTHER RAMBLING POST! SO I BETTER STOP OR I WILL TYPE ALL DAY LONG!