This last weekend was super tough for me. I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all. I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad. I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills. Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick. Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants. Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one. I am a total mess. I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional. I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life. I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues. Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread. I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now. I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on. I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now. I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.
I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago. I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time. She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her. When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her. Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her. I had called my night nurse for a pain pill. When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her. As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do. After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family. I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me. Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well. I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it. I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today. I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her. I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do. I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there. We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up. I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away. I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on. I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no. At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her. I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.
It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday. It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come. This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out. There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now. I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me. As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!
3 Comments on A Rough Time
Leave a Reply
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
You are an amazing young woman.
First of all, your new blog look is FANTASTIC!!! Did you do this on your own? You GO girl! I love it!
Secondly, you absolutely did the right thing 6 years ago, and deep down you know it. I pray that you will feel the peace of making the most SELF-LESS decision of your life.
Third, I'm sorry about your bad infusion/anti-depressant issues. I know what that can be like having issues with medicine!
Keep hanging in there, girl, and KEEP writing. You are strong. You are beautiful. You can DO this!!!
Margaret
Reading your post, I was brought to tears. Such an emotional experience for someone so young. You are very brave and you have shown great courage and strength. I hope your meds even out quickly. Sometimes life takes us down unexpected and heartbreaking paths. We learn and grow from them all. May you be blessed with reassurance and inner peace.
Blessings
Moana xo
Oh, honey, what a tough week for you!